The perfect lover

‘Just down here,’ I said, ushering my client into the basement. ‘Don’t be concerned about the smell – just an experiment which went wrong; nothing to worry about, ha ha!’

The young woman paused just inside the doorway and looked around the laboratory cautiously; the glass jars with their unidentifiable but clearly organic contents, the heavy-duty power cables, the surgical implements, the large bench with the human form lying on it.

‘There we are!’ I said, rubbing my hands together. ‘I told you I’d do it. They didn’t believe me, you know. They said I was mad. Can you believe that? Such ignorant fools.’

‘So you managed it then,’ The woman whispered in admiration as I led her over to the bench. ‘You made one for me. One who will not disappoint me, who will meet all my ideals…’

‘Indeed,’ I answered, my eyes gleaming with enthusiasm. ‘Here he is! Tau, I call him. Perfect in every respect!’ I hesitated slightly, for I am compulsively honest. ‘Well, in almost every respect. In every matter of importance. There are a few bugs, glitches, minor things. He’s almost as stable as if Microsoft had designed him! Alpha, Beta and the others… well, they were prototypes. One must expect a few teething problems.’

The woman looked impressed, as well she might. ‘But what about his… performance?’ she asked, looking with fascination at the naked, muscular male body stretched out before her. ‘Is it true that you managed to program him to do all I want?’

‘More than that,’ I said proudly. ‘You can personally configure him yourself. Watch!’

I pressed a button on a remote control and Tau opened his eyes. He stood up and slid from the bench to face the woman. His look was vacant and his jaw hung slight open; his arms hung slackly by his sides. ‘You see?’ I said. ‘Indistinguishable from an average human male. Limited observational skills, low intelligence and so on. Entirely normal. Now watch.’

I held up a photograph of Angelina Jolie. Tau’s eyes lit up and he began to salivate. He made vague fumbling motions towards the picture. ‘Want!’ Want!’ he mumbled. Lower down his body other physical changes were evident. Very evident. The woman’s eyes widened with interest.

‘Yes, quite,’ I said. ‘Nothing but the best synthetic tissue! More human than human, if I may paraphrase a character from a well-known film. Of course the ones in that case turned out to be psychopathic killers, but that that is a mistake anyone could make! But enough of that, this is the exciting part…’ I pressed another button and keyed in a sequence of instructions.

Tau’s expression changed. He became more alert. He lost interest in the picture, and he instead swung round to examine the woman with both fascination and respect. He knelt before her. ‘My darling,’ he said, his voice deep and pleasing, ‘I exist only to serve you. You are the sole reason for my being. I dedicate myself entirely to you.’ He bent lower, and, abasing himself before her, kissed her shoes. ‘Angelina means nothing to me. I have already forgotten how I enjoyed the delights of her exquisite body; she is a mere…’ His voice stopped as I hastily pressed another series of buttons. My client looked at me quizzically. ‘Angelina?’ she asked, her eyebrows raised.

‘Ah,’ I said. ‘Yes. It was necessary for me to build a perfect female form. Erm. For research and development purposes. I shall have no further use for her now, of course!’

‘Naturally,’ the woman observed drily. Her attention returned to Tau, who was still prostrated at her feet. ‘So he will never be interested in another woman? Only in me?’

‘Exactly,’ I replied. ‘More so; he will only want to please you. With the use of the keypad and his own heuristic abilities he will soon be doing everything you want of him without you having to ask. He will rapidly learn all about you; your personal details, your tastes – everything. He will always be able to recognise you, even if you dye your hair or develop a disfiguring skin disease. He will never fail to notice if you make changes to your appearance, such as a new hairstyle, different clothes or whatever – things which no normal man would ever detect; furthermore he will compliment you upon them. He will never forget a birthday or other anniversary or celebration. If you indicate you like to be given flowers of a particular type he will get them for you. He will be able to judge your mood to tell the appropriate times to do so. Should you wish to be tied naked to a bed and spanked, he will do it.’ I hesitated. ‘Not that I was suggesting that you would, of course, but if you were to… erm…’

‘I think I get the idea,’ said the woman, her eyes revealing her growing interest, as Tau continued to grovel and make desperate attempts to gain her approval. ‘But what of his needs? Watching football on TV, drinking beer, belching, scratching his testicles in public, all that sort of thing. Surely all these things are an essential part of male behaviour.’

‘You might think so,’ I replied, ‘but that would not apply in Tau’s case. For example I found that approximately one third of the average man’s brain capacity is taken up by the ability to understand and create jokes about farting. By freeing up these areas I was able to make Tau capable of picking up the sort of obscure and oblique comments or questions which are so often made by women – and which are so baffling to ordinary men. He will be able to give satisfactory answers to questions such as ‘Do you love me?’, ‘Do you think she’s attractive?’, ‘Do you think I’m fat?’, ‘Does this colour go with my eyes?’ and others of this type.’

‘Hmm…’ said my client. ‘But what about his own sexual desires?’

‘Simple. He has none,’ I answered. ‘His only motivation to have sex is to please you. He will soon learn your needs, but for the first week or so you should just use the built-in timer. Let me show you.’ I flipped out another panel and indicated the display, while the woman looked over my shoulder. Tau shuffled around on all fours after her, whimpering slightly as her stiletto heels dug into his hands. ‘The default settings are 06:30 to 07:30 and 22:30 to 23:30, but you can adjust these to suit, or override them at any time. For example if he wakes up and attempts to initiate sex too early you simply hit the snooze button located behind his left ear and he’ll fall asleep for another ten minutes – or any other preset interval – before trying again. You can turn him on at any time using the usual methods for standard human males. The level of… erm… vigour is set on this scale here—’

‘Hot, warm, cool and delicate/silk.’ the woman read off, raising her eyebrows again.

‘Well, yes, I did use some washing machine program software,’ I replied, somewhat defensively. ‘It seemed a waste not to use it. But these are just the manual settings provided for the period while you’re… erm… running him in, as it were. After a week or so he will have learned exactly how to satisfy you; when you want him to use any particular technique, what degree of passion, what duration and so on.’

‘Duration?’ asked the woman. ‘How long can he… ah… keep it up for?’

‘While his default settings allow him to continue for an incredible two minutes,’ I said proudly, ‘this can be set in principle to any length of time. Unlike a normal man, he won’t stop when he’s had enough; only when you have. He will never tire; he will perform whatever duty you wish him to – he will be everything you desire in a man!’

I hesitated again, as my conscience compelled me to be completely honest. ‘But for the initial period he may be a little… lacking in finesse. And predictability. After all, his basic operating system is Windows 95! Should he ever lock up at any stage you’ll have to press the manual reset button behind his right ear and he’ll boot up into Safe Mode.’ I looked a little uncomfortable. ‘You may want to use that if his behaviour should become erratic at any time. He hasn’t been completely beta-tested I’m afraid. For example it may be wise to keep him clear of knives or household pets for a while. You may also want to put him in standby mode when you’re not actually using him – safer and more energy-efficient. You can store him in a cupboard while you’re out at work for example.’

‘I’m very impressed,’ said the young woman. ‘I’d certainly like to give him a go. Any other little things you want to tell me about before I take him?’

‘Ah!’ I said, slapping my forehead. ‘I knew there was something. You don’t need to worry about the most important male dysfunction of all. And you don’t need to because, being a cyborg, he has none of the basic bodily functions.’

‘Of course,’ she nodded wisely, ‘I don’t need to worry about him leaving the toilet seat up.’